just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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