i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
