We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
