I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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