I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
