Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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