Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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