She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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