There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sext me about skeletons
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
