Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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