i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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