some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
