There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
