her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
