I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
