I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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