Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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