I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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