I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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