My balls are so social today.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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