I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
