Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
