Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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