I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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