my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
