I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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