Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
