Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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