We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
