thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
