Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
