My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
