Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Alive.
So much puke
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
