There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
