So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
