She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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