I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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