Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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