I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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