Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
