Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
