And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
