I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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