y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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