I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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