so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
