its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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