i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
