How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
