dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
