Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
