I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
