There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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