You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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